I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
