Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
