I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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