Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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