yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
