the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
