Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
