are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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