Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
