He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize