So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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