Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
