Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
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