how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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