a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
