Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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