Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
