By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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