Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
