Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
how drunk are you?
Several
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
