she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Found the puke drawer
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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