The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
