So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
