M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
found the other keg... it's in the tree
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
