I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
