Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
