it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
