I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
