Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
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