Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize