i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize