i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
