I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
