Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
