I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
