This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
