My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I met the friendliest cop last night
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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