Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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