hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
