good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Randomize
