Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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