Umm I'm too high to move.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
