You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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