if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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