If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I have tasted many bathrooms
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
