True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
