Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
