I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
