One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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