oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
