We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
