Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
