i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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