i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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