Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
