honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
My ATM looks so different sober.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
