xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
